When I say competitive, I mean this:
- I spent <5 minutes for each Pokémon on Smogon reading up their entries to figure out their skillsets
- I actually trained their EVs
- I paid attention to their natures
- In rare cases (maybe 2-3 Pokémon totally), I bred for a hidden ability
- I never bothered with IVs
- I never used legendaries or semi-legendaries (my husband and I made those rules – that’s why you don’t see Lugia, who is my second favorite Pokémon ever after Umbreon, on this list)
I am not actually much of a competitive battler. For me, my Pokémon are my friends – our training is organic and natural, not calculated or dependent on mass annihilating hordes of Whismur for five hours straight.
I mean, I had to do that eventually once my then-boyfriend-now-husband decimated me in a Pokémon battle (I have pride, okay – and I was also using a Gyarados with a purely special attack moveset, which in hindsight I realize is an entirely cretinous thing to do).
But if I had it my way, I would still be recreating the teams I had when I was a naive five-year-old mucking around in Mt. Moon for a week, unable to find the Mew-damned exit.
Pokémon is supposed to be about nostalgia, and friendship, and bonds, right?
Well, not if your better half is a competitive, maniacal twit.
SO for the sake and longevity of our relationship, I put in some effort. I mostly chose Pokémon I liked – because of nostalgia, history, design, any other reason – but I did train a couple with the single-minded purpose of obliterating my husband.
We’re now at a point where we’re pretty evenly matched. The last time we battled, I won, which means that I currently hold the Champion title in our two-person league.
So, I present to you my competitive team! It sucks that they did away with mega evolutions and then we had the whole Dexit fiasco, because my dream team has been split apart indefinitely. I haven’t actually bothered much with Shield beyond a point, so most of my team peaked around Alpha Sapphire and Sun.
But here they are, ranked in order of how much I love / use them.
Umbreon (named Itachi)
My only shiny! I never shiny hunted but my husband gifted my a shiny Eevee that had the appropriate nature for an Umbreon. Such a beautiful shiny too!
He’s a great staller, and I love him for Taunt, since my husband tends to favor infuriating staller strategies in battle. Personally, I hate stalling – outright attacking is my thing. But hey, you gotta treat likes with likes, and Itachi can be downright annoying with Taunt / Toxic / Moonlight in his moveset.
Garchomp (named Isildur)
When I was just cruising through the games, my team names made sense. I had the Lord of the Rings team, the Silmarillion team, the Naruto team, etc. But now it’s just a weird mashup of all my favorite fandoms.
So Garchomp is my main attacker. My favorite boy. He almost always holds a Focus Sash, and Earthquake / Poison Jab deal with most threats. I’m still fuming about Dexit. Allow my boy Garchomp into Galar damnit!
Mega Alakazam (named Mithrandir)
*sobs*
In his peak – his glory days of mega evolution – this boy was unbeatable. He’d sweep through so many opponents with his speed. I just loved that certainty of knowing that whoever he was up against, he’d go first. Unless it was a priority move, but most of those were fine – except shadow sneak. Shadow sneak was the bane of Mithrandir’s existence.
I am also a huge fan of the psychic type in general. If you asked me to name my top Pokémon types, I’d say fairy-fire-dragon-psychic-water in that order (bug, poison and rock are probably my least favorites).
Clefable (named Tinuviel)
A, Luthien Tinuviel, my chubby pink goddess. My husband despises her so much, which makes me love her even more. She just doesn’t die. Ever.
I think I owe a majority of my victories against my husband to her – she was always on the winning team. So much sulking on account of her refusal to give up, that mean Calm Mind / Moonblast / Moonlight / Leftovers combination.
Even if she wasn’t actually on my team, the very idea and possibility of her being there would piss him off and psyche him out. She’s a superstar.
Her pre-evo is also adorable and has been one of my favorites ever since I was a kid.
Empoleon (named… this is embarrassing, I can’t actually recall)
I mean, who doesn’t like a penguin in a tux? This boy is sharp. His steel typing is also super useful given my husband, for some depraved reason, adores poison types.
Cinccino (no nickname because of those darned trading rules)
This adorable little bugger is my hidden weapon. Skill Link + Tail’s Slap / Bullet Seed / Rock Blast + King’s Rock. Hell yes. Watch this tiny ball of fluff bring down gigantic, powerful wall-breakers. And the flinching. So much flinching. I love it. Whoever came up with this little guy in Nintendo was an evil genius. He’s literally invincible.
Except against Mudsdale. 5x defense power-up against an attacker? No thank you, switch out.
Charizard X (named Feanor)
Because I am a nostalgia freak, I love dragons (a well-deserved typing at last!), and I love his design.
Also my Kanto starter trio were named Feanor, Fingolfin, Finarfin respectively. Because I am just that cool.
Gardevoir (named Nozomi)
So in ORAS I first made a team of females, based entirely on Love Live! so I could, you know, annihilate my husband with girl power and music. So you’ll see a Honoka, and an Eli, and an Umi here too somewhere.
She is just so beautiful and so versatile with her moveset. I love Gallade too but my husband uses him, and we try not to overlap so…
Mega Kangashkan (named Finduilas)
I love the whole mother-baby thing and her kid is adorable. Also my husband had this annoyingly overpowered multi-scale Dragonite so the double hits came in handy for that. He claimed I was ‘cheating’ using her. Hah. Says the multi-scale Dragonite user.
Frosslass (named Celebrien, I think… there were so many Elven names, I kind of lost track)
I first want to say that her cry, when she comes out, is the most haunting and beautiful sound you will ever hear from a Pokémon’s mouth.
Second, she is fast and knows Destiny Bond. My poor, self-sacrificing Frossless. Another elegant, beautiful design.
Galarian Rapidash (named Glorfindel)
The moment I saw that Galarian Ponyta in the livestream, I knew I had to have him, and that his evolution would be absolutely magnificent. A candyfloss unicorn. Is there anything more perfect? And fairy-psychic, a combination of two of my favorite types!
I debated on naming him Eomer, but he’s clearly an elf, you know?
Aegislash (named Anduril)
What else are you going to name a sword? I also love swords in general, so I knew I needed this Pokémon. Not my usual typing preference but has significantly tormented my husband.
Mega Altaria (named Eli)
I mean, if Eli Ayase from Love Live! had a Pokémon, it would clearly be this queen. Plus I spam Draco Meteor way more than I should.
Mega Blastoise (named Fingolfin)
So if you ask me my favorite Kanto starter, I would give you this long, circumlocutory response. By starter design – Squirtle. By typing and final evolution – Charizard, so Charmander. By anime personality – Bulbasaur, my tsundere boss, although his bestie Squirtle was close behind. I mean Bulbasaur and Squirtle were like the Joey and Chandler of Pokémon. The best duo, hands down.
Naturally, I needed the mega (plus Blue uses him!) and three canons are better than two. Also, for some reason Hydro Pump was always my favorite move as a kid. I don’t know why. Whenever I played with my Pokémon figurines (incidentally, Blastoise being one of the first I ever owned) it was always my go-to water move. I now realize that Surf is more reliable, though for Mega Blastoise it’s obviously Water Pulse.
Togekiss (named Gwaihir)
The eagles are coming!
Okay, but I love this one because Roost / Dazzling Beam / Yawn is such a versatile, powerful and yet incredibly annoying combination. I also adored Togepi in the anime (Misty was my best girl, so) and cried when Togetic… you know… *sniffs*
Skarmory (named Eowyn)
I don’t know why but something about her reminds me of Eowyn with the armor. She’s another great staller and the bane of my poison-loving husband’s career as a Pokémon trainer. She is no man.
Arcanine (named… I am blanking out…)
Always loved the design, ever since I saw the first anime opening. And Extremespeed. That’s guaranteed first hit, +5 priority! Quick Attack what?
Azumarill (named… forget it…)
Again, because I love Misty. And I love her typing. And this is such a cute design! And Huge Power makes her such a wall-breaker.
Espeon (named Eldarion)
One of my few Pokémon with a hidden ability. I just love how frazzled opponents get when you Magic Bounce all their stupid status moves right back at them. I’ve said it before, but I really prefer outright battling without relying on all these shady tricks. And if you still insist on shady tricks, then, well. You can just Magic Bounce off.
Blaziken (named Honoka)
Another one of my Love Live! squad. I started ORAS with her, and so I kept her on my team, even though breeding for her hidden ability would have been exponentially better. See, husband, I actually care about my Pokémon and the bonds I form with them, unlike you – you cold, cruel, callous man.
She held a life orb, and she’d always push herself a little too hard, and use moves like Flare Blitz in spite of the danger it posed to her own body, and – and – oh, Honoka-chan. I am sorry.
Alolan Ninetales (named Yuri!!!)
I had a second Alolan Ninetales named Victor. Obviously.
So I knew I needed Alolan Vulpix. Vulpix has always been one of my favorite Pokémon and it’s so cute and cuddly and – gah.
For this Pokémon, I did the one most heartless thing I have ever done in my gaming career. I basically… well, you see, I loved this little Pokémon so much that I wanted him as a starter. So I had my husband start playing Moon a couple weeks before I began Sun. And so, a few minutes into the game… I traded away my Alolan started for an Alolan Vulpix… yeah.
Sorry Rowlet. But you’re only cute and round till you evolve, and Decidueye cannot compare to the elegant majesty of Alolan Ninetales, my Kyuubi!!! on Ice.
Milotic (named Legolas)
Such a beautiful, sinuous Pokémon. And like Frosslass, has a really lovely, haunting cry. I wanted a Serperior too (ideally this would be the Legolas, since you know, Greenleaf), I think they’d make such a nice set. But then my husband had to go and have one so…
Ampharos (named Minato)
Because you know, Yellow Flash. Though this Pokémon is incredibly slow, which I realized a bit too late, once I was already attached to the nickname.
But Ampharos and his pre-evos were some of my favorite Johto designs ever. I remember seeing the Johto brochures or books or posters or whatever when I was a kid, before the game came out. And I fell in love with Mareep’s design, so even now, when I see Mareep, it makes me feel all warm and fluffy, like I’m a kid again.
And that’s why I insist on keeping a fully EV-d up Ampharos on my team, despite my utter inability to leverage him properly during a match. Seriously, how do you win with this guy?
Mega Gengar (named Morwen)
After the Silmarillion character, not the other one. So yeah, I trained her mostly because she is one of the fastest Destiny Bond users in the game and I wanted to piss off my husband.
Meganium (named Sakura)
A part of my Team Seven with Naruto (Ninetales, duh) and Sasuke (Luxray, we will come to that later). When they had that triple battle thing going on in – ORAS was it? – it would fill me with SO much joy to just be all “Go! Sakura! Sasuke! Naruto!” and see these three Pokémon versions of my precious Team Seven battle it out together. They actually won, quite a few times.
Meganium is another one I keep mostly for nostalgia even though I absolutely cannot figure out a way to use her effectively in a battle. I loved Chikorita – in the anime, in the game – and I love Meganium’s design. She’s a dinosaur with a gigantic cherry blossom / rafflesia hybrid on her! What’s there not to love?
Aggron (named Aragorn)
I mean, what else was I supposed to name him? This one was a pretty solid tank, and Stealth Rock / Iron Head was a great combination. For some reason, I also had Ice Beam in his moveset. I’m not sure why… I attribute this lapse in judgement to the fact that I didn’t know about special attack / attack stats at the time and somehow I never bothered to change it once I found out.
Lapras (named Nimrodel)
Loved her since the anime came out (Orange Islands!). Such a lovely, aesthetically pleasing design – simple yet unique. I really liked that about the older generations (1 and 2 being my favorites) and it’s part of the reason I just can’t relate to some of the newer ones.
My favorite strategy for her was using Perish Song when my opponent was on his last Pokémon – and then continuously healing to prolong the match. I am not usually one for prolonging an eventual loss, but it’s so satisfying sometimes, when your opponent realizes they really have no way to turn things around.
Whimsicott
My ultimate staller with Prankster. Caught and trained with the sole purpose of pissing my husband off. She’s also a giant ball of fluff, which is adorable.
Ninetales (named Naruto, obviously)
Although I had a female named Kushina too. Kyuubi references aside, this is such a gorgeous Pokémon. Believe it.
Tsareena (definitely named after an elf)
My majestic queen. Sucks that I don’t actually know how to win with her. Trop Kick is overrated. But she’s still really pretty and graceful. She’s like the Pokémon version of a female Legolas Greenleaf.
Gyarados (named Umi)
Oh, Umi-chan, how I wronged you. Her moveset consisted of Surf, Thunder, and… honestly, it’s embarrassing to even recall. Still, I absolutely adore this Pokémon – Red Gyarados had been a faithful member of my party during G/S/C. And I loved the whole Lake of Rage plot.
Nidoqueen (named Gondor)
In hindsight, kind of a dumb name. But she’s a pumped-up rabbit! And she has queen in her name! And Blue uses her! One of my favorite generation 1 designs, though I don’t use her in battles as much as I ought to.
Ninjask (no name)
Ah yes… remnants of an attempt at baton pass chaining that went horribly, horribly wrong. I also never use bugs. Icky. Ew.
Mega Steelix (name forgotten)
Because I loved Jasmine. One of my favorite Gym Leaders ever, after Misty and Whitney.
Absol (name forgotten)
Such a sexy design! If Umbreon hadn’t been named Itachi, this one would have. He’s definitely an Uchiha. Perhaps Shisui will do.
Alcremie (name forgotten)
I had a rainbow Alcremie with blueberry decorations. She was cute and yummy and it really, really bothers me that you can’t get a Gigantamax version for anything other than the default design. I want my enormous rainbow blueberry cake okay!
Aurorus (named Sting)
Because he was blue, and my Kalos team was my Lord of the Rings sword team, with Aegislash as Anduril and Florges as Hadhafang.
Another beautiful design, reminiscent of Meganium – but these dinosaurs just don’t move! They plod along slowly, and they’re bulky, yes, but they barely get in any attacks before they’re owned. Not to mention, ice-typing (like grass) isn’t amazing defensively.
Luxray (named Sasuke)
I had to have him because he has Sasuke’s duckbutt hair and emo vibe. Not to mention he is electric time. Chidori. It’s just too good to miss.
Liepard (named Arwen)
Chosen because of her slender, elegant design. And Fake Out.
Vaporeon (name forgotten)
I honestly would have a team of just Eeveelutions if I could. They’re all so fabulous. I can’t use Leafeon (the perfect Legolas!!!) and Flareon (my favorite of the original three!) because my husband uses them. But Vaporeon is great for both damaging and walling.
Glaceon (name forgotten, maybe it was Celeborn)
Cold and beautiful. Nothing more to say.
Mega Salamence (named Daenerys)
Stormborn of House Targaryen, the First of Her Name, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Protector of the Seven Kingdoms, the Mother of Dragons, the Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, the Unburnt, the Breaker of Chains
*aaaaAAAAAA-ing intensifies*
I loved using her mega with Return. Each time she attacked, it was definitive proof of how much she LOVED me. But then my husband had this annoying Mega Lopunny that knew Ice Punch and was frustratingly fast (and for the love of Arceus, I hated that floozy) and Daenerys just couldn’t win. She KO’d a bunch of other opponents though. Razed ’em down like King’s Landing.
I did want a Lopunny myself. Darn husband.
Mismagius (name forgotten)
Another pretty ghost, who I initially wanted because I was a big fan of Kris in the anime.
Mega Venusaur (named Finarfin)
Probably the only Pokémon for whom my husband and I broke our no-overlap rule. Because, you know, Kanto starters. You can’t have exclusivity on Kanto starters.
My husband was admittedly a lot better at leveraging him than I was, but he did win me a few battles with an admittedly copied moveset (I mean of course I am going to use a Big Root with Giga Drain too). Oh well.
Cinderace
Because I like soccer. And those other two Galar starter evolutions looked awful (to me). Down here in the list we’ve reached the Pokémon I barely used.
Electivire
Because Gary owned Ash with him, so I figured he’d be pretty strong. (*Gary, Gary, he’s our man, if he can’t do it, no one can!*)
This guy is pretty solid, I feel like I should leverage him more often. I’ve used him a grant total of 4 times but I’ve won each time so that’s gotta say something.
Gastrodon (name forgotten)
God, that name sounds like a stomach disease. Anyways, he was slow, but useful. Kind of a discount Lapras. I liked the guy.
Pangoro (named Boromir)
Because Pancham is such a cutie.
Florges (named Hadhafang)
For Aromatherapy. Because my husband spammed Toxic like Sasuke with his Mangekyo.
Alolan Diglett (named husband-killer)
Seriously. I hated the design. I had no other reason for using him, except that I wanted to see my husband’s face when this admittedly fast Pokémon pulled off Fissure and OHKO’d him in battle.
So yep, that’s my team! It’s missing some of my favorites (Lopunny, Talonflame, Leafeon, Serperior) because of the no-overlap agreement. But they’ve been with me over many years, through various regions (some of them cruelly barred from the most recent) – and they’re like my family.
Pokémon is literally, it’s the one anime I watch that I actually wish was real life. Because Shingeki, even Naruto – no thank you. I don’t want to deal with Titans or crazed megalomaniacs or weird moon-people.
But Pokémon? It’s safe for children to roam around unsupervised, you get free healthcare, you spend most of your years adventuring with fantastic creatures, and it’s the one relatively non-violent universe I can think of that has dragons!
I mean, I would trade my life for that in a heartbeat.
Overachieving Otaku 